So, the Christmas season left me feeling rather lame. Most people who know my husband and I know that we are not huge fans of the commercialized Christmas, but since we have kids - we try. We decided to decorate early, get a REAL tree, go all out on the presents, etc. I myself decided I would handmake paper ornaments as gifts to our friends. As I sat on the floor, scraps of paper and glue gun residue all around me; my house a complete mess, the laundry piling up - I felt like a total loser. This was the same day I tried to say something helpful in the best way I knew how to somebody and got it all wrong. Add these things together, and I felt like a total failure.
This wasn't a new feeling for me. I beat myself up on a regular basis and turn it into a real pity party. When I get in these moods, everyone is against me and any little thing that's said is taken as an insult (you can ask my husband about these moods).
I'm shy around new people at church (which is a real downer when your husband is the Worship Leader), I tend to be a little crude when it comes to jokes, I'm too sarcastic, I talk too much once you get to know me, my van is always messy, I really stink at doing laundry, I don't remember things and I know it and still don't write stuff down, I never remember thank you notes, I'm opinionated and confrontational, I overcook chicken, I don't read my Bible as much as I should. I don't read enough to my kids, I let them watch too much TV, they sometimes go out without jackets in the cold, I don't spank them enough, I yell. There's a little voice that whispers all these things in my ear until they are all jumbled around and my head is about to explode.
I have this one friend. She can sew clothes for her kids, make their birthday card invitations by hand, bake and decorate cakes like a professional. Meanwhile, dinner is cooked perfectly every night and the laundry is done and her house is spotless.
I have another friend. She is always sweet and kind and thinks of others. She ALWAYS says the right thing exactly when I need to hear it. When other people talk about goodness and love and sweetness, her name inevitably comes up. She's like a Disney Princess...when she whistles, you imagine birds and deer coming to her side.
The reality may be that friend #1 has laundry and old food containers shoved under all the beds in her house. And friend #2 may say the dumbest things to her husband when nobody is around to hear. In my mind, it doesn't matter. The reality to me is that sometimes I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not spiritual enough, not smart enough, not submissive enough, etc. etc. etc.
What I learning though is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I feel perfect or if anyone else makes me feel perfect. God loved me enough to create me. Psalm 139:13-14 says "For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
It doesn't matter if I feel useless. Look at the book of Jonah - God used a storm, a whale, a rebellious man, a plant, a worm. He can certainly use me, whether for big things or small, to do any good work (Philippians 2:13). He has plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). God loves me so much that nothing I do or say can ever separate us (Romans 8:35-39).
This isn't to say that I shouldn't try to improve myself. God doesn't want us to sit idle and useless. But what I'm learning to remember is that God rejoices over us (Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you with his love; he will exult over you with loud singing). I'm learning to remember that when I was even worse than I am now, Jesus loved me enough to die for me (Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us).
See, the REAL reality is that when Jesus breathed His last breath on the cross and said "It is finished", He wasn't thinking about all the things that I am not. He was thinking about all the things that I am.
